mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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