Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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