I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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