she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
