Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
