omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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