Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
