oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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