the only muscles i have these days is kegels
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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