Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Randomize
