the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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