I could make wine with my vomit
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
