The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
