My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
NoShamevember. You game?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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