I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
