No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That accounts for only three of the penises
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
