he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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