he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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