how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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