you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
