I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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