His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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