I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
