I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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