How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
