I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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