yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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