I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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