I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
