my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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