my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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