shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
