I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
