My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
