I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
