Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
