my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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