my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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