Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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