The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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