i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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