So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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