i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
