This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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