Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
