the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
