Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
