i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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