the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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