You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
