a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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