i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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