I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
