everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize