How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize