Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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