he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
