i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
