You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
