Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
