plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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