youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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