just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
